so what’s your story

 I have been the “fat kid” my whole life… I had very bad asthma as a kid… and so my exercise was mostly turning the pages of my books… I was still mostly just “chunky” until my freshman year of high school… I spent all but 13 days of a 9 week grading period in the hospital for my lungs… I was diagnosed with a lung disorder (alpha one anti trypsin deficiency) that basically means my white blood cells don’t know when to quit and go overboard… I spent much of that year on prednisone (incidentally our local zoo had an asthmatic elephant… his dose was lower than mine) my favorite “snack” was a steak sandwich with cheese and peanut butter… and I had a LOT of those… I gained a LOT… I was very heavy… I think almost 250? maybe 280? I don’t remember exactly… I like to forget those numbers…

so my sophomore through junior years I worked hard… did a lot of cardio (they figured out my lung disease was the cause of my asthma and the treatments meant I could breathe!) rode my bike EVERY where… and basically lived on peanut butter and applesauce… (protein and carbs… like the perfect food right???) so one thought to tell me anything about nutrition… and I think I kind of hid how little I actually ate from everyone… I got down to about 150 at graduation in 95… I was very skinny…

then I got married… and I stopped riding my bike everywhere…. And I started gaining… little by little… I didn’t pay any attention… then I had a miscarriage (at 13 weeks… you know the point when you start to think you are safe from that sort of thing) … and was devastated (because my lung doctor at the time told me that I shouldn’t even be having kids with my disease because it is genetic and all and that it was probably my fault that I lost the baby) and I started eating… and eating… then I got pregnant again… and at 28 weeks my water broke… and I was in the hospital and on steroids again… and no one said anything about the 3 cheeseburgers and sides I would order from the kitchen… and I gained (70# in a month)… he was born preemie at 33 weeks and was incredibly healthy… but I was stressed… so I ate… and I gained… so my marriage wasn’t happy… and I ate… so I had two more babies (three kids in 38 months) and I ate… one thing leads to another… one calorie leads to another and another and in 2004 I was 340… I ate my way unhealthy… I was diagnosed with diabetes in april…

so in april I decided to get a pedometer… and started counting calories… and I started the program I described in my blog posthttp://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/justjenn1977/view/how-do-you-do-it-426667 … I got down as low as ~270… then stuff happened… (left my hubby… went back to school… worked three jobs putting myself through nursing school while dealing as a single mom with no help…  got a job… lost a job… was unemployed… sigh… the list goes on and on) and I kinda fell off the wagon… I went up to about 310… and then I got serious last winter… hovered around 300 for a few months… then got to 270 around april… spent the next few months hanging out there… in  the end of august got serious again… and lost about 8 pounds then broke my foot… I have maintained since then… but I have been on my couch so I am considering maintenance a success J

I have a problem with binge eating… I always have… I eat when I am depressed… I eat when I am happy… I eat when I am lonely… I eat to celebrate… I eat when I am bored… I eat when I am hungry… I eat when I am not… I eat when I feel out of control… 

And sometimes I eat a LOT… in the past this for me was 2 double whoppers and a large fry and a large dr pepper… and sometimes a sundae or two… because I deserved it… I worked hard with the kids all day… and that was a SMALL meal… we would make 4 boxes of macaroni and cheese (as sides… with 1 pound hamburgers and French fries and all kinds of other stuff) and I could eat two… I would eat a whole cake… on top of dinner… because… it was a crazy day and the kids were bad and life was hard… I would make two cakes and my family of 5 (with three toddlers) would eat them in one setting…

When I first started watching what I was eating it wasn’t unusual for me to eat a 5000 calorie MEAL…

5000 calorie meal… I feel almost embarrassed to write that… to get it out in the open… I want to delete it because that number makes me feel dirty inside… it actually makes me want to go eat some chocolate so I am going to leave it in there…

I started slowly watching what I eat… now a binge for me is about a 3000 calorie day… I am not physically capable of the binges that I used to have… a 15,000 calorie day is pretty out of the question… I get physically ill on a 4000 calorie day!

it really helps to evaluate why I want to eat… I have also started only eating when actually physically HUNGRY... I tried eating on a schedule… and found that I eat more… because I am over riding my hunger… sometimes I just want to chew… and bubble gum works for that 🙂  

 I am feeling proud of myself… I have only had about 4 or 5 days that I consider binge days in the last month… which considering that 3 of them were in the last week is something that I have to work on…

So there you have it… that is my story… how I got to where I was… now I just have to see where I am going! I know that it is going to be an even better place to where I am now… I am working on it… I am getting better… and greater… and that is the best I can hope for is a greater life 🙂 

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