This post was originally written in Oct 2012
This is my boy. I was looking for pictures that show how incredible skinny this boy is. He just made it to the 5th %ile. We threw a party. He is 12. He weighs 72 pounds. On a good day. Before going to the bathroom.
This boy eats like a hobbit. He drinks a “magic shake” with a combination of protien powder and vitamins almost every morning before school. Then he eats breakfast at school. Then he eats lunch, and an afternoon snack, then an after school snack, then dinner, then a before bed snack. Then many nights this boy is up in the middle of the night stumbling towards the fridge “midnight snack mamma??”
I calculated it one time. Wrote down everything he eats, averaged it over a week and he averaged 4000 calories a day. He has had his endocrine levels checked (probably 10 times over his life) and he is normal, not even close to out of bounds on any level. His doctor even went so far as to tell me that he should get twinkies and butter every day. I said NO (heart disease runs in THIS family, it doesn’t walk, it runs and jumps and creates as much havoc as it can) but I did agree to add more healthy fats and to allow him to eat whenever he is hungry and as much as he wants.
He is just skinny. High metabolism. Never still. He feels like he is bound to be skinny for life. He hates being skinny. I try to reassure him, tell him his Unkey Monkey (my brother) was very tiny until he was 15 or so and now he is a big guy! Taller than me and brimming with muscles. But Chris won’t hear it.
He thinks his body is ugly.
He thinks fat is beautiful.
He tells me every day that I shouldn’t lose too much, because I am so beautiful and that my fat makes me comfortable to snuggle.
He tells me every day that he wishes he could have blubber.
Chris has aspergers and sometimes his conversations are very interesting. (I am certain that they would be interesting even if he didn’t have aspergers, but the lack of a brain/mouth filter makes for some interesting situations, and QUICK apologies.) One day we were out riding on the greenbriar river trail (http://www.greenbrierrailtrailstatepark.com/ one of my favorite trails) and we had done like 25 miles so far that day and we were hot and tired because it was 90 degrees and the humidity was like 400% or something. It was our third day on the trail and we were at over 100 miles so far that week. (that’s a lot of words to say we stunk.) This woman walked in, she had to have been over 400 pounds. And he walked over to her after she sat and lovingly laid his hand on her and said “I think your blubber is just so sexy, you are beautiful” and walked away as she sat in shock. After a quick “I’m so sorry, CHRIS come here!” I talked to him for a min and reminded him that words were hurtful and that he couldn’t tell a woman or anyone for that matter that they had blubber. So he walked back over and says “I am sorry if I hurt you or offended you but I still think you are beautiful and sexy” SIGH.
How do you counter that?
I get so frustrated that we live on a planet that criticises people for their body shape. *I understand that there are health issues associated with being overly large or extremely small.* I am talking about the fact that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. (I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. (Psa 139:14)). I am talking about how we are precious children of God. I am talking about how it is our spirit we should be judging not our body!
I know that I am working on becoming fit and healthy. I know that I do not like my body. But I don’t like my body for how I feel when I move in it, not because I am fat. I do not like my body as it is because I can not do the things I want to do with the ease I want to do them in. I want to run, that doesn’t work well with a body this large (hence the broken foot). I want to climb mountains, that would be much easier with a smaller body.
I *KNOW* that I am beautiful. I am precious. I am loved. I know because God told me so. So shall the king greatly desire thy beauty: for he is thy Lord; and worship thou him. (Psa 45:11). For the king to greatly desire my beauty that means that I am beautiful. I *KNOW* that in my heart and soul.
I long for a day when we judge people not on the shape of their body but for the content of their character. (Thank you Martin Luther King Jr. you were an amazing man). I think that everyone should strive to be healthy, but why does it have to involve such hatred of our bodies?
I long for a day when the men and women of this world embrace their beauty, and understand that they are loved. That there is one who loved them enough to DIE for them, to save them. He created them to love themselves and to love others. THERE IS NO CONDEMNATION IN CHRIST! (Rom 8:1) that means NONE. Stop condemning yourself over your body and your actions. STOP hating yourself because you aren’t the shape you want to be. STOP hating yourself because you don’t look the way that you think you should look. STOP hating others because they don’t look the way you think they should look.
Who’s with me? Let’s love each other. Let’s not condemn, we can start with today. But let’s not condemn for a lifetime. One day at a time.